Donald Trump is the textbook example of an 80's cartoon villain. He has all the classic traits. He's arrogant, cruel, petty, vengeful, mean-looking, vain, greedy, incompetent, and a megalomaniac. But unlike 80's cartoon villains, he's not funny, because he's real and will be in the highest office of the most powerful country in the world. I don't think he'll be a good leader. In fact, I have chosen several famous 80's cartoon leaders that I genuinely believe would make a better President than him. In no particular order, here they are!
Venger -- Dungeons and Dragons
While sharing Donald's taste for authoritarian power, Venger was not an idiot. Far from it. In fact, he had full command of the English language and never uttered embarrassing sentences like, "I have the best words." He is also a very knowledgeable sorcerer and according to his wiki, knew about every single spell from the D&D RPG book. You have to have a lot of mental power to know so many spells and be able to use them at will. He also has a cool flying horse and only one horn, which adds an air of mystery to his appearance. Donald Trump don't look this cool. Not even close.
Eric Raymond -- Jem and the Holograms
Eric is also infinitely smarter than Trump and a better businessman. Unlike Donald, he is a shrewd CEO and runs a tight ship at Starlight Music. Trump has lost hundreds of millions of dollars in bad business deals, made a lifelong habit out of ripping people off, and has filed for bankruptcy multiple times. Eric has never been accused of any of those things. And his band The Misfits proved to be quite popular with the kids, although not as popular as that blasted Jem and the Holograms. Still, better than Trump, though.
Randy -- Pee-wee's Playhouse
Randy's a dick. No two ways about it. He's just as mean and petty as Donald Trump. A classic bully. His big move is to come down from the ceiling in Pee-wee's Playhouse, say or do something totally dickish for no reason, then bail. But there's one major difference between the two--Randy can say he's sorry AND mean it. Whereas Trump never apologizes, and if he is forced to, it's half-assed and insincere. Whenever Pee-wee confronts Randy and shows him why he shouldn't be mean, Randy learns a valuable lesson. Trump does not and can not learn valuable lessons. Mainly because his massive ego, or rather insecurities, can not allow him to admit he is wrong. Randy has my vote for 2020!
Dr. Claw -- Inspector Gadget
Dr. Claw is the head of a massive, well-run criminal organization bent on world control. He has seemingly unlimited resources at his disposal and uses it to try and defeat his nemesis the bumbling, but hilarious Inspector Gadget. Running a huge criminal empire and remaining completely anonymous is very difficult. Especially when your enemy has a seemingly unlimited array of technologically advanced gadgets at his disposal. Not to mention a brilliant human and dog assistant. Dr. Claw would make a better president because he's on the ball. It's tough running a huge criminal enterprise and Dr. Claw does it with ease. Donald's entire run was one fuck up after another. All the way to the finish line. And remember, Dr. Claw is a Doctor. You have a lot of education to become a doctor. Not only would Dr. Claw make a better president, his press conferences would be really great. All you'd see is that metal arm, the cat and hear his super cool evil voice.
Gargamel -- Smurfs
Gargamel is a very intelligent man. His knowledge of spells and the occult is second to none. And he has one thing the Trump utterly lacks: Focus. Trump is so unfocused and undisciplined, his own team had to take away his Twitter in the final days of his presidential run. He could not be trusted not to tweet stupid things that would hurt his chances. He also couldn't stay focused long enough to not lose his shit at a debate and embarrass himself. Whereas Gargamel has proven himself to be able to stay focused on any task, no matter how tedious or mundane, so long as there is a chance he might capture those dastardly Smurfs. We need a man like Gargamel in the oval office. Especially if any Smurf related problems arise in the next four years.
Duke Sigmund Igthorn -- Gummi Bears
Like Trump, Duke Igthorn has a bad temper and is prone to lashing out at his followers, which like Trump's followers are simple-minded ogres. But Igthorn is a competent commander and has proven himself to be a major threat to the Gummi Bears of Gummi Glen. Igthorn is very creative and has come up with numerous complex plans to get the secret of the Gummiberry Juice so he can have super human strength. Being able to come up with complex strategies and execute them is exactly what you need to be president. I don't think Trump thinks in complex terms. At all.
Saw Boss -- Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors
This guy would be a waaaaay better president than Trump. According to his Wiki, he has "an unlimited line of Saw troopers that have buzz saw blades that can cut everything." Does Trump have that? Hells, no! Oh, he doesn't look as scary as Trump either.
Hoggish Greedly -- Captain Planet
This guy wouldn't actually make a better president than Donald Trump because he basically is Donald Trump. A cowardly, greedy, cruel, incompetent bully. Does that sound like anyone you know? Mean and dumb, the classic villain combination. And repulsive to the core! Of all the numerous 80's cartoon villains I researched to write this blog, he fit best. Our president-elect, Hoggish Greedly. At least he made funny pork-based puns!
We're fucking dumb. Like cartoon dumb. Donald Trump had 10,000 foot tall bright red flashing letters over his head that said, "I WILL BE A TERRIBLE PRESIDENT" but he won. I get part of it was a "Fuck You" vote for the last 8 years. Well, as revenge goes, damn, that was incredible. Of course, you've cut off your own nose to spite your face and may well have condemned us all, but still impressive. But he'll put a bunch of crazy people of his staff, fuck everything up, drag the Republicans down with him and in 2-4 years Democrats will sweep back into power. If he doesn't destroy the world first!
Also, this might wake liberals up so they'll stop fighting each other. Living in echo chambers and thinking racism was defeated, they began turning on each other and finding racism everywhere. Absurd things like Katy Perry wearing a kimono, white people having dreads, and Taco Tuesday were deemed racist and horrible. Now an actual racist bully is in the Whitehouse. And he's already inspired other racists bullies to commit horrible acts. And it's just gonna get worse. Now, you're going to see REAL racism and maybe Katy Perry wearing a kimono wasn't that terrible after all.
In the end, the biggest joke of all is on Donald Trump. He's proven over and over that he can't take criticism, and he's going to become the most criticized person in the world. There will be nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Of course, he's going to fuck it up royally, and you can see that by who's putting in his cabinet. There will be non-stop disasters and scandals for four years. And some of his followers will finally see that he's been a con man the whole time. He never had their best interests in mind for a second. Why would a greedy billionaire who lives in a golden tower care about the common man? He's made his fortune fucking the common man over. He'll go down in history as the worst president that ever lived, beating Nixon for the title. He'll be mocked, jeered, made fun of every day until he steps down. And after. And being president is a lot of hard work! Does he seem like someone who enjoys hard work? Ha!
Final point: He may well end the world. He certainly has the best chances of any president in my lifetime. Although blowing up the world sounds terrible, remember, if you don't blow up the world, the Planet of the Apes can't happen! And I think they deserve a chance to rule for awhile. They can't do much worse than us!