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Harriet Carter Distinctive Gifts--Crazier Than SkyMall?

Haha! Of course not, nothing is crazier than a SkyMall, but this catalog of wonderous and questionable delights is close! I got this from my Grandma over Thanksgiving, and let's just say it made an impression on me! Here are just a few of the "Distinctive Gifts" inside.

Haha, hilarious oversized donut mug. I'm pretty sure this would be funny in Bangledash or such a place. Looking at the top, I'm not even sure how you could drink out of this without spilling it all over yourself.

Or you could always go with the also hilarious Rx Coffe Mug! I'm pretty sure most people would know it's a joke, but still think you're a pill popper anyway.

This is hilarious! A toilet paper roll that plays Christmas music so everyone knows you're taking a shit! Includes such holiday classics as: Jingle Smells, The Night Before Shitmas, Rudolf The Brownnose Reindeer, Hark The Harold Angels Stink, and more!

I thought bidets were outlawed in the States! Now, I'm not saying a bidet will make you gay, but there's prolly been one or two "straight" guys that used one and thought, "Yeah, I'll need to put a penis in there pretty soon."

I don't think I could type anything here that would make this funnier.

I wish I was a spider so I could wear eight of these!!! Walk into a party, even with the terrible jeans like these on, and you'll be swimming in pussy!

A banana bag to put bananas in the fridge! Are you kidding me?! You can't put no bananas in the fridge! That's the worst thing for 'em! Lots of fruit can go in a fridge, but not nanners. Man, this really chaps my hide.

BUTT PUTT! BUTT PUTT! BUTT PUTT! BUTT PUTT! BUTT PUTT! BUTT PUTT!

I want to buy 15 of these, put them in a giant room, do a bunch of acid and travel to different dimensions.

Haha! This isn't that funny, but it does look like that caterpillar is shitting out that kid.

I think it would about 100 time cooler if you actually made the same shirt with real duct tape.

This is easy to laugh at, because it looks quite comical. But I'm hear to tell ya, hotdogs are a real choking hazard for kids. In fact, HD's are the perfect size and shape to block a kids throat. My advice, cut them up for the kid. :Let them experience the joy of letting a full sized hotdog go down their throat when they are adults. 

And that's the Distinctive Gifts that can be found in the Harrier Carter catalog. Someone please BUY ME THAT BEER HOLSTER. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. 

Tales of NETFLIX!!!

I love Nutflix! The streaming's great, because I like weird old 60's, 70's, and 80's movies. The disc is great, because once in a while, a mainstream American movie catches my fancy, and I want to see it. But not in the theater. Oh, and there's some stuff that's so weird, it's not even on streaming. 

Who cares?! Anyway, as a fun fart project, I've started drawing what I thought about the movies on the Nutflix labels. And here's what I saw last year!

Battle: Los Angeles. 

Total piece of shit. Starts as a Marine enlisting advertisement, turns into an ultraloud, super-generic and poorly acted alien turd. I was sure this movie was made for the hard of hearing, because it's literally 80% just people YELLING AT EACH OTHER!!!

Darkstar

Now here's a great movie about aliens and super beardy astronauts! I think it's John Carpenters first movie, and it's a doozy! Crazy hippy looking dudes on a space ship with a insane bouncing ball monster attacking them, and a talking "smart" bomb that really wants to blow everybody up. I love it!

John Carter 

Holy shit, this movie's a stinker! And I love bad movies! But this is just wrong in every way. Stories a mess, characters suck, action's silly and it's just plain ugly. The amazing part is, the book is a simple dime-store fantasy pulp novel that should have been the easiest thing in the world to adapt. Haha, Hollywood.

The Blob

The Blob (original) is some wacky ass shit! And it was Steve McQueen's first movie. One of the first thing you'll notice is how bad the acting is. Even for an old school monster movie. But the Blob itself is pretty cool and freaky, and Steve has amazing presence, and the story's pretty neat, so the end result is a movie well worth watching. Of course, I'm sure part of the film's success was the hit theme song written by the great Burt Bacarach! You can hear it here.

Shock Treatment

The infamous sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture show. What's that? You didn't know it had a sequel? That's because this movie is so fucking bad, no one knows about it! And the few that do watch it once and go YIKES. I do have some friends who like it, but I don't need to see it again. It it about 20 crazier than Rocky, but the songs just aren't there. That being said, it stars one of my favorie actresses, Jessica Harper! (Phantom of the Paradise, Suspiria). And strangely enough, she's one of my freinds cousin. Small werld!

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

This was made during the "Rise of the Whatever" movie titles that plagued American cinema for years. Rise of the Machines, Silver Surfer, Planet of the Apes etc. I don't understand why people liked this movie so much. I thought it was a piece of shit, but guess it's better than the Tim Burton one. Is that really saying much?

Rock 'n Roll Nightmare

This movie I do remember! A super buttrocker named Thor made this movie, and neither my description or turrible drawring could do it justice. You should just watch this! 

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy 

Hey, I watch smarte people movies too! Although I rarely understand them. Neat movie! Falls in that rare category of being slow, but not boring. If your'e smarte. If you're dumbe, skip it entirely!

Desperate Living 

Hee hee! This was FUN! A masterpiece by filth auteur John Waters. Skinny crazy white lady and her super fat black nurse go to a town of lunatics called Mortville. And fucked up stuff happens. Lots of fucked up stuff! The commentary's great too! John Waters comes across like a guy you'd really wanna hang out with!

The Raid

The Raid should be required viewing by any asshole director in America who thinks they know a fucking thing about an action movie. This is it, the best action movie made in the world. Ever. Well, mabye not ever, but I've seen about a zillion action flick and nothing is on its level. WATCH IT!

Sleepaway Camp

Damn Nutflix started putting movie advertisements on their envelopes threatening my career as a the most important Nutflix envelop artist in America. But I see it as a challenge, can I use their advert as part of my art? Can I? As for Sleepaway Camp, it's a rock-solid slasher flick from the 80's. Very fun to watch!

Robot Jox

Saw this as a kid an loved it. Especially the robutt effects, which I thought were excellent at the time. Believe it or not, it still holds up! It's a far better movie than it deserves to be, and the stop-motion effects still look great to this day. I recommend this movie!

Until Nutflix calls me and says, Yo, stop drawing on our fucking envelopes, I'll keep doing it! Truthfully, I don't even think they know. The postman may get an eyeful! And maybe he'll watch Sleepaway Camp! 

 

Blowbama Won!!!

Yippers! I always vote for the guy with the coolest name, and B'arack sounds like a cool Klingon dude. Whelp, the erection happened and here's my take on it!!! 

This was my reminder to vote in the morning, because I have a goldfish memory, and would have went to work without voting. Bigbird kinda looks fucked up here!

 I almost bought this blow-up Obama doll, so I could run around Texas fucking it and get shot. But I wasn't cofident he would win. I wish I would have bought it now :( Super blurry! Says, "He'll batter your bush!" and "Visit his oral office." haha

"

I saw this really cool window in a printer's shop in San Francisco called Powell Street Printers. It's a rad two-headed Obama/Romney doll in the window. 

With the bloody words "Don't Forget to Vote" in the window.

There was also a super nanners San Francisco diorama with a bunch of cool shit in it! 

Including babies eating army soldiers!

And cute animals!

It was so cool!

And it really reminded me of this great American movie!

 

But the coolest thing about this election, is the fact that buying this 6 dollar masterbating Obama toy wasn't a waste! I mean, I would have felt foolish if Romney won, and I bought this! Commander in cock!

Look at this high quality Chinese manufacturing!

The call out text on the back is amazing. That's good copy!

Suddenly handsome man David Hasselhoff showed up!

And that's my expert political analysis! Please enjoy this nasty video of David Hasselhoff and Barack Blowbama getting it on! Happy erection day!