BROWNTHATBANANA

Dumb Thing I Bought When I Was Drunk #34938

SUPER CONDOM! 

Not Seen On TV. 

R.I.P. Nintendork Power!

After 20+ years of making kids eyes pop out of their heads with exciting video game news, Nintendo Power is calling it quits! Maybe. They announced it, tweeted it, then untweeted it. Or something. Anyway, someone gave me an old issue they found in their garage, so I thought I'd blarg it.

WHAT A FUCKING COVER!!! Link has a mullet! Princess Zelda is uggers! He has a glowing dildo! And what is he doing? Just watching her sleep? Is he gonna pull out the master sword and swing it through the bush to get rupees? So many mysteries!

The graphic design is excellent, and still holds up to this day. I especially like the drawn "ring effect" framing the page. And these high-res screens just make the game look amazing! Click on it to make it larger!

 

Look at Hulk Hogan! Hahahaha! Amazing hand-drawn art. Maybe they didn't have a good picture of him, or were drawing him for memory? I don't know, but he looks really jacked up. Also, they call his "cross," which is cleary a crucifix a "Golden X." I guess they were worried about offending muslims? 

Andre the Giant looks great, as well!

Ted Dibase doesn't even look like him!

Macho Man! According to the piece, if you pick up his shades, you'll increase his power several "shades."

I like his nose. 

This fucking art rules!!! Companies should draw their screenshots by hand! Don't you want to fight these guys?

There comes a point in every man's life, when he must make a choice--Skate? Or die?

While the magazine has an abundance of bad art, there was some good stuff in there too. 

This page is amazing for a couple of reasons. One--Hands Free Controller!!! What the hell happened to that! I wanna get shitfaced and play Street Fighter in a bar with that! Also, what is happening with the clip art on this page? On the left side, a thing explodes, making a ball of yarn, then footprints, and a head with some slippers onto a conveyor belts. It's like clip art diarrhea! 

Sound Waves! "All that's hot isn't just on the video screen; there are exciting new sounds coming at you on the airwaves, too." According to his article, Julian Lennon's third album clearly shows that he is following in the footsteps of his talented father, John Lennon. Maybe not.

Party Up! Party Down! Don't know what that means, but I sure fell for this piece of shit peripheral hook line and sinker! It's fun for a month, then you flip it over and rub the bottom with a penny to win the game! Girl on the right looks preggers, too.

Whelp, goodbye Nintendo Power! Always sad to see a magazine die, but you held out longer than most. Thanks for the memories and the kickass tips!!!

 

East Coast Magical Adventure! Pt. 1: Maine!

I took a small vacation to a magical place known at "The East Coast!" To West Coasters like me, the East Coast is a place full of mysteries and tiny strange sounding states. A bizarre place where you can drive through multiple states in one day! A feat nearly impossible on the West Coast! Anyway, here's what happened!

This is what Maine looks like. 

Haha! Actually, Maine looks like a shit ton of pretty trees and really nice houses. None of which I took pictures of for some reason. But because the East Coast was here before the West Coast, there is a lot more history. And super old humble grave yards like this dot the countyside.

It's pretty. After looking at trees and dead people, we went to Portland Maine! I wanted to see if it's as good as our Portland, Oregon. Well, it sucks balls, comparatively. But, we didn't see much of it, because we got too drunk and stuck inside an epic comic book shop for hours!

The first money trap they had was a giant chest of fucked up old toys and broken shit!

I like sat on the floor in front of this thing with my butt crack showing for like a hour and half.

One of the hidden treasures within, was this Phantom Menace KFC Flying Bucket Topper! Which is really fucking confusing. Is it a frisbee? Do you put it on your bucket of chicken after you you eat to keep it fresh? Or both? I wonder if anybody in the history of mankind still uses their Phantom Menance KFC Flying Bucket Topper. 

Anyway, after that adventure and another trip to the bar, I dug into this amazing store. It had so many astonishing things for such a small space! Like cool old board games!

And rad pinball machines in the back!

And giant child brain destroying toys from the 80's!

DOESN'T THIS LOOK FUN?!!!

They also had a bunch of crazy old video games.

And a bin full of California Raisins! My favorite kind of raisin!

The store was called Coast City Comics, and it's one of the best comic book stores I've ever been in. It's like a crazy little Comic-Con in one room. If you're a nerd, and you're super drunk, and you're in Portland Maine for some reason, I heartily recommend this place!

And that is Portland Maine, folks. Well, at least a tiny part, we sort of spent the entire day in a bar and one comic book shop. I guess I'm a kind of a shitty tourist.

Next up--Boston!

 

Odorcon!

I went to an anime convention called Odorcon in Baltimore! It's called Odorcon because it's in Baltimore, which is hella hot and super muggy. Mix that with a bunch of nerds, and you do the math! 

One thing's for sure, there's a lot of black people in Baltimore! 

One time I drank four energy drinks at E3 and turned into this! 

At the con, I found somebody wearing my hat!!!

Then a guy wearing my shirt!!!

But nobody was cool enough to wear them both together and stand in front of a boat! Only me!

Don't see too many Lady GaGa cosplayer's at cons! 

These two video game armor nerds were fucking cool!!! At a con, this will get you some pussy!!!

And this guy knows it.

Darkwing Duck! 

What mysteries abound! How can Mysterio see out of this? And what's the lump in his pants?!

Epic evil Spock!

I'll give credit where credit's due! I've never seen a Machop cosplayer!

The sad saggy shelf of forgotten anime videos!

Always happy to see Harlock! Although he looks a little hipstery for my tastes. 

Sexting Tuxedo Mask!

Cute? Scary? Hrm...

This is what the Fed Ex office in Baltimore looks like! 

She looks hawt, and she knows it. 

Duck feet! Or something. 

I don't understand all the cosplay.

And that is your wicked quick Odorcon blarg!