The Summer blockbuster season is not off to a good start with these two stinkers--Iron Dick and Star Trek: Into Darkies!
The Summer blockbuster season is not off to a good start with these two stinkers--Iron Dick and Star Trek: Into Darkies!
In the recent episode of the Game of Thrones HBO series "The Red Wedding," there was a wedding that let’s just say…didn’t go as planned.
I wont say whom, but some characters were killed and that’s got many idiots who didn’t read the books upset. Why? They’re pussies, and they don’t like it when bad things happen to the characters they like.
There are many wonderful things about George R. R. Martin’s books, but the thing I like the most is—there’s a great sense of tension. Why? Characters die. In fact, quite a few. And some that have been in the story for a long time. You see, when you know characters can die, you actually worry about them when they’re in danger. This creates what’s called “tension.” When is the last time you honestly had to worry about a character dying in a movie or TV show? And I don’t mean shitty side characters that have had a floating skull over their head since day one. I mean real characters, important ones that fans love.
I’d say in 99.9% of bullshit mainstream movies, you know the main character isn’t really going to die. And if they do “die,” they often come back in a completely ridiculous way. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I saw a mainstream movie where the main character dies, only to return minutes later through the flimsiest set of circumstances.
Heck, even in Harry Potter, important characters die. In fact, quite a few by the end. As much as people say Harry Potter is “for kids,” I applaud J.K. Rowling for killing her characters. Teaches kids (and kid adults) a good lesson—people die.
And if you’ve read George R. R. Martin’s books, you’d know he makes a concerted effort to show the horrific effects of war. In our world of Gi-Joe movies and Call of Duty video games, it’s important that people know that in real life, war is horrible and has far-reaching ramifications. I'm not saying violent media is bad, lord knows I love it, but I understand it's fantasy, and real life violence isn't a game. In George R. R. Martin's books, as the war progresses the lands are pillaged and burned, the people starving, rotting corpses are everywhere, and cruelty runs rampant. The Red Wedding is just one of many horrific events in the struggle to control the Seven Kingdoms.
You shouldn’t be mad at George R. R. Martin—you should respect him. Finally, a writer with a pair that’s not afraid to kill his characters, resulting in the reader (or watcher) having real fear that he will. Fear is exciting!
Also, can you imagine the uproar if he changed the Red Wedding from the book to soften it for non-book readers? Instead of non-book reader crybabies who don’t like to see characters die in their shows, you’d have an army of nerds pissed at George R. R. Martin for selling out. And I’d be one of them.
If you’re mad at him, and can’t handle characters dying in a show ABOUT A FUCKING WAR, then watch the Smurfs, or whatever shit won't "upset you."
(actually, that Gargamel looks kinda scary)
Hey, I went to another Bay to Breakers! As per my habit, I like to go there and take pictures of old man butts, but unfortunately I got there a little late this year, and didn't get a lot of good old man butt shots. Next year, I plan to go earlier!
Anway, I did get some good wacky weiners and funny costumes.
Mr. Rogers! Seen a million costumes in my day, but not too many Fred Rogers!
I really thought this guy was Weird Al Yankovic being Michael Jackson in Eat it. But it was just supposed to be Michael Jackson. Guy wasn't to happy when I told him that.
Not sure exactly what kind of Iron Man this is, but it's both classy and slick.
Teenage Muntant Naked Turtles!!!
I think this guy is supposed to be wearing his "birthday suit."
Wow! An Interstella 5555 cosplay group! First I've ever seen!
Really good, too!
Sexy Disco Princess Leigh!
Great Hindu gods costumes! I aways thought Hindus have the coolest looking gods.
Haha! Juggernaut with a trashcan over his head! Actually, for as homemade as it is, it's really good.
Can't go wrong with a pregnant nun costume!
Very accurate grown-up Charlie Brown!
My 9th grade science teacher looked exactly like this.
There were a lot of cute chicks at the event! But sadly, many of them were already taken.
Twin Peaks! Complete with dead Laura Palmer and Prom Laura Palmer! And The Log Lady.
Any friend of a Furby is a friend of mine.
I'd like to watch this threesome.
The best part of Bay to Breakers is seeing the college kids passed out at 2:00 p.m. in various states of disarray.
And that's Bay to Breakers this year!
It's one of my hobbies. And at this last WonderCon, I got quite a haul. So here they are!
This could be my favorite one of the bunch. And unlike many comics, this actually happens inside!
I'm pretty sure this was also the plot of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
I bought this because the bad guy looked like he had tattoos, but it was a pawn shop stamp! Who pawns their comics! And who'd stamp it, thereby ruining the collectability?!
I think the bad guy looked a little cooler on the cover.
We're looking for people who like to draw...
Not the greatest comic inside, but this cover is amazing.
It's not quite clear inside--is the gun FOR the dinosaur, like he can keep it? Or is it to shoot the dinosaur? Anyway, the writer L. Sprague De Camp wrote a lot of Conan books, and also created that great adventurer--Thongor!
SUPER BALD! (actually, I think that's Lex)
SUPER PIMP SLAP! Seriously, a one-finger pimp slap! How rad is that?
all new Love and Romance! At one point, comic book publishers tried to get girls to read their comics with limited success. Although the stories were usually retardo, the art was far more experimental.
Believe it or not kids, there was a time where this guy did not look gay to people.
Like I said, the panel layouts were really wild, and not like what you'd see it male comics.
Meanwhile, Superman is transforming into a used car salesman with cheap suit. Or 70s porno star.
Whatever con I go to, I try to pick up some old Jack Kirby stuff. His two page spreads were, and still are, the best ever drawn. I mean, look at this shit! You can click on it to make it bigger.
Haha, remember when Superman got mad and his balls blew off?!
Inside there's some mixed messages about hitting women.
Or when he lost his head?! I really feel like DC comic editors just made this shit to fuck with little kid's minds.
GIANT-SIZED MAN THING! GIANT-SIZED MAN THING! I'm pretty sure I've made this joke on this blog about a dozen times.
The main comic wasn't that great, but it had GOOM! The Monster From Planet X inside! Who could possibly argue with GOOM!
I'm a big fan of oddball failed heroes. The Fly, The Torpedo, there's just something fascinating about a hero that anybody could see was doomed from the get go, yet they made a comic book about him. Like the Pirhana here.
Probably doesn't help when the bad guy is equally retarded. In almost every panel BRAINSTORM (the thinking man's villain) is in, he has the words "Snap! Crackle! Pop!" on his head.
Speaking of failed heroes, I doubt many will remember The Jigsaw Man. It's not a good sign when the copy on the cover tells you "not to laugh" at the hero.
Haha! Now THIS is a cover! I'd put this in my top ten best comic book covers ever!
Weird War Tales splash pages don't disappoint.
The actual story wasn't half bad, either.
This comic wasn't very good, but the cover really grabbed me for some reason. I have been in love with several super-powered satanic women.
Ha! What a cover!
The Teen Titans fight the killer robot, Honey Bun! I actually skimmed the comic, and could not find any reason as for the robot's crazy name. Inside joke? Strange forgetten slang? Or just usual Tean Titans stupidity?
Never got into the Tean Titans. For obvious reasons.
Apparently, at some point Marvel started experimenting with using real photos on their covers. I'm not super picky, but Spiderman in mom jeans does not do it for me.
Was there any comic more consitatnly nanners than Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen?
In this issue Perry White sends Jimmy undercover to expose the wrong doings of the hippy movement.
And as usual, things get out of hand quickly! Not going to ruin the end, but let's just say, Superman punches all of their heads off and they die.
But not before Jimmy turns into the Jolly Green Giant.
And here's an indie comic! I always try to buy a couple of these, because believe it or not, there was a time when I dreamed of being a comic artist! But I sucked, and it took forever, and it was a thankless endevour. But still, when I see someone going for it, I give MAXIMUM SUPPORT! HIs comic was pretty funny, too!
I bought many of these from the nice people at Geoffrey's Comics. These guys were really cool, and laughed at most of my super dumb drunk guy jokes. And their comics were reasonable, and they gave me deals. Always makes me happy to buy from people who really love comics don't mind a drunky rifling through their boxes and jibber jabbering the whole time.
And that's what I bought at WonderCorn 2013!
Gi-Blow 2 and Oblivious!
Yes, it's the thing no one ever asked for—another episode of Dicko's Evil Movie Reviews! This is a pretty good episode with a really neat Gi-Joe toy sex scene. Enjoy!
Also known as Portland! I went there a few months ago, and here's what I saw!
This is Mount Shasta! I've seen it a million times from the road, but never from the air. It's where Shasta Cola, the poor kid's soft drink, comes from. Black Cherry Shasta Cola for life!
And this is the world famous Crater Lake! There's a movie called The Crater Lake Monster about it. It's not very good, but the end has a bad ass claymation Loch Ness style monster fighting a bulldozer. If you're into that sort of thing.
This is starting to look like a granny travel blog, but anyway, here is Fartland from the air! It's one of the most beautiful cities to fly into. You go right over it and some pretty rivers.
Here's what downtown Portland looks like! Haha, just kidding, that's your mom's vagina.
One thing I learned the hard way was, it's not easy to get a cab off the street at night. I was super drunk and couldn't figure out how to get home. Luckily, this bike cab guy said he'd drive me even though it was waaaaay across town. He was a really neat guy!
He even took me by a fun homeless encampment! Sorry for the blurry pictures, it is hard to take a steady shot on the back of a bike, super drunk.
Aside from homeless, Portland has a lot of pretty botanical thingers. This was just in some random person's lawn.
Dey got some nice churches, as well.
I got into a trainwreck when I was there! Which is funny, because usually I AM the trainwreck. Ha. Ha.
It's no lie, there's plenty o' strip clubs in Portland. I wonder what you have to do to get a call out on a strip club marquee? My guess is he was a sweet old dirty man who frequented this club and starred at chicks tits for many years. An admiral lifelong devotion.
Some alluring art to try and lure passerbys into the club.
This theater even shows hentai porn! On the large screen!
Fartland has a lot of wacky places, like a blacklight mini-golf course. Right downtown!
It was as fun and cheezy as you'd expect.
Probably pretty cool on acid.
Course, it might give you a bad trip.
The courses were pretty tough.
Some of them were really tough!
Some parts of Portland have an erie quality at night.
They are famous for their many bridges.
And numerous rivers and water fowl.
As I said, it's a very scenic city.
They also have a lot of cool bars! And abuncance of cool bars, actually! This is Ground Kontrol, where you can get shitfaced and play a ton of epic old school videogames! Like a non-douchey Dave & Busters!
I forgot the name of this bar, but it was totally dedicated to that great American beer, Haams!
Probably, the biggest collection of Hamms merchandise in the world!
I also went to a bar called The Tardis Room. Unfortunately, it was a kind of half-assed Dr. Who bar that just seemed like it was cashing in on the new Dr. Who craze. It's unfortunate that the new Dr. Who is such a terrible piece of shit compared to the old show.
In some parts of the non-downtown Portland, there are these really long rape alleys that are the perfect spot to take advantage of someone. This guy is my friend and not a rapist, although he does look a little rapey.
This was in my friend's stoner party house. For some reason, it really cracks me up!
This was on the roof of a house in a well-to-do hipster neighboorhood I forgot the name of.
This amazing NWA oil painting was in a bar in that same neighborhood.
Portland has cool bars, there's no doubt about it. Probably the coolest bars of any city I've ever been too. And lemme tell you, I've been to a lot of cities, and a lot of bars. And one of the coolest things about Portland bars, is a ton of them have pinball!
This is one of my favorite pinballs machines of all time called Taxi. Look at this art! Imagine driving down the street and Marylin Monroe, Gorbachev, Pinbot (a pinball robot from a different pinball game), Dracula AND fucking Santa Claus are all trying to get a ride!
What can you go? The obvious answer is to get get a stretch cab, and pick them ALL up!
Even scary evil Santa Claus!
If you ever get a chance to play the game, it's well worth your quarters!
Portland has a few nicknames I didn't know about. It's called Rip City and Stump Town.
It is a fun city, but there's lot of homeless. Not nearly as many as San Franciso, but we're the homeless capital of the world, so it's hard to beat us.
Anyway, I recommend this city. It's pretty cheap to live there, so there are tons of people that just kind of fuck around and don't do nothing. It reminds me of old San Francisco, before all the rich tech/yuppie assholes came in and started systematically destroying all the city's culture. I hope that never happens to Portland!
Whoever wrote this site, knows their banana shit. Like, for real. Aside from sexual or comedic uses, this site has everything you could ever want to know.
I wonder if the person who made this very scientific display of bananas knew they had also made a funny face. I'm guessing yes. I admire scientists with a sense of humor. There's no reason you can't do science and be funny.
My homie lives in New Mexico and watched the final taping of the hit show, Breaking Bad. AND he got Bryan Cranston's autograph! AND he had him write "brownthebanana," which is almost the name of this blog! I guess when he told him to write that his exact words were, "Are you fucking serious?" But he did it!
Anyway, if you haven't seen that show, unlike many popular idiotic TV shows, this one really does deserve the hype. It is about as good as it gets for television.
I went to WonderCorn last week in beautiful Anaheim California. And I have to say, that is the last fucking time I go. It's just not worth the hassle to make the trip to such a terrible city. Although WonderCon is great, because you can actually find cheap toys, reasonably priced comics, and you can still walk around without being crushed by throngs of obese fanboys, Anaheim is just too sucky and far away.
Anyway, I still had fun. And here's what I saw!
I saw a Mario girl with big mushrooms!
I also saw the famous Pedo Bear and Wondermanwoman!
I saw a dude with some cool fucking kicks!
He looked like this!
KIds really get excited by WonderCorn!
There was some stuff that excited me too.
Seen a million Jokers, but not an Elvis joker.
Funny how you're just walking around the floor one minute, then the next you're sucking Rambo off.
Two White Queens. I'm pretty sure that one on the right's mutant power is to turn straight guys gay.
They say everybody has a twin! And mine's bald!
Dis some good cosplay!
Uhhh...huh-huh..uh...huh-huh...they could punish me...huh huh...
Captain's log: Klingon's are targeting Uranus.
I friggin' met the Good Humor Ice Cream man from Phantasm! He was super nice!
The next day, I found a ladybug in my friend's garden in Long Beach. He (she? are all lady bugs women>? or is there a man-lady bug? I wonder...) was cute! LBC!
OMFG! A flippin' Galaxy Space Sherrif Gaban cosplayer! His outfit looks as good as the guy in the show!
One of the great things about WonderCon and other conventions is, you never know who you'll meet. This guy was a miniature maker who's worked on several major American films. All of which I've forgot, of course. Anway, he was a huge Gerry Anderson fan and came dressed as a Space 1999 guy! I believe the super mumbly doctor with the "clockwork" heart, as he was fond of mumbling. Anyway, MAJOR props to this guy!
At some point I picked up an old Over The Top Slyvester Stallone action figure with "Arm Wrestling" action.
Naturally, I went around making him arm wrassle with random funny cosplayers.
And also random people at bars. It's amazing how happy people got when they figured out it was an Over The Top action figure. I guess there aren't that many.
Naturally, later on we made him have sex with the other dolls we bought.
And trust me, Data was more than willing.
After all he is "fully functua,l" sexually speaking.
ANYWAY, there were a couple of really good Judge Dredd cosplayers at the con. Pretty impressive.
Haha! This is one of my favorite pictures from the show. There's just something about the proportions of this kid Boba Fett that crack me up. The helmet is so big! It's really cute!
Later that day, Sly met up with a couple of his old friends from the neighborhood.
I wont lie, I had a couple of beers...
And me and Sly got a "little friendly."
And then things got a little weird. As they sometimes do.
Excellent Blade cosplayer! I love dudes that don't look like they'd ever cosplay cosplaying. This dude looks like a real American tough guy, yet here he is dorking it up as Blade at a con.
Not even the mighty He-Man can withstand the incredible arm wrestling power of Stallone!
This girl was a crack-up! She would hide in the Tardis, walk around so it looks like it's moving by itself, then pop her head out with this expression on her face. Genius!
Really good Two Face! One of the best I've seen! And believe me, I have seen a lot.
Speaking of great cosplay, this is probably the best Ghost Rider I have ever seen. It is perfect.
Still, not even the power of Satan's gonna help you when you try to arm wrassle Stallone.
There's no competing with the EYEtalian Stallion!
Even though it seems like there were less people than last year (maybe because it was Easter Weekend?), I found some spot on cosplayers.
Speaking of "spot on" cosplayers, check this guy out! A Starro cosplayer! Starro was an early Justice League villian who was, well, a big starfish from outer space. Prolly seemed a lot cooler in the 50s. Still, this is pretty funny no matter how you cut it.
Slutty drugged up Miss Piggy Muppet Baby doll. It's a shame what's happened since the show was cancelled.
This isn't a Spider-Man sex toy, it's actually a golf club cover. I own a Hulk one. I think they were only released in Germany or something.
There's something about Professor X between Captain America's legs that intrigues me.
BEST Adon cosplayer I have ever seen! And maybe the best that has ever been!
Same goes for the Speedy Gonzales! Never seen a better! (wish Slow Rodriguez was here though)
There are times when I can't even think of a comment.
Pretty much the most realistic Star Trek cosplayers I've ever.
One of the best things I bought at the con was this dirt cheap Baron Harkkonen doll! He has wacky arm waving action, which has nothing to do with the movie.
I bought Harkonnen and Sly from these lovely people. Their booth was stocked with cheap rad toys! Here's their site, Timetunneltoys.com, I hope it's their site. Kinda drunk when I bought the toys from them. Timetunnelers! If this isn't your site, lemme know in the comment's field, and I'll change it.
Saw this on the last minutes of the last day. An amazing pod shooter thinger from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time! Look how perfect this is! She even made the hole for the shooter a jagged like the N64 grapics would have rendered it. Beautiful!
And that's WonderCorn, folks!
I went to Portland! And got super shit-faced, and went to Powell's Bookstore and went cuckoo in their Sci-Fi section! Powell's is the biggest bookstore on the West Coast, and one of the biggest in the world. It's an entire city block, plus has another giant technical bookstore right across the street.
My big plan was to get destroyed and tear through their Sci-Fi section and buy a bunch of nutty shit. And so I did! Here's what I got!
No Time For Heroes! But there is time for super fucked up looking robots! Seriously, that is a pretty turrible robutt design.
Alice's World - This was on the flip-side of No Time For Heroes. Apparently, there was a time where it was quite common to bind two Sci-Fi books together. I kind of wish they still did this.
MISSION TO THE STARS - Also known as, "Gay shiny guy with super rainbow powers!" My scannner could not pick up the super-reflective cover, so I had to take a crummy cell phone pic.
You know it's a good book, when it has a Newport cigarette ad right in the middle!
Bloodhype - Not sure why I bought this one. Maybe because that guy on the left looks like a space Mario from Super Mario Bros.?
CRASH - I believe this has been made into an early David Cronenberg movie. I didn't know that when I bought it. I do know that--I WANT THAT CAR. Imagine driving around with a giant pink lady's ass right in your face. Imagine it!
Passport To Peril - I'm not a psychic, nor do I believe in psychic powers. That being said, I can't help shake the feeling I'm going to die like this. It's eerie.
TO KEEP THE SHIP - Uh yeah, I'd be trying to keep the ship if it came with a bunch of tiny naked bitches. Yessir, that is a ship I'd like to keep.
THE DAY KHRUSHCHEV PANICKED - According to the pull quote on the bottom this book "Will scare the bejabbers out of the unwary reader." I guess that means, be wary while reading the book, if you value your "bejabbers" at all.
KING OF THE FORTH PLANET - Also the king of terrible haircuts. I don't care what planet you're from or how far in the future, that is pretty silly looking.
THE BODELAN WAY - Was this the face that launched a thousand starships? Somehow I doubt it.
Great back cover text, though! PUUUUUURRRRRR!
LORD TEDRIC - Not sure why I bought this one. I guess it kind of has a bit of everything from a cheesy Sci-Fi cover. Scantily clad lady, tough guy hero with sword, weirdo aliens, and futuristic cities.
STRESS PATTERN - Or as I like to call it "Giant Dick Pattern." Seriously, that is one of the dickiest looking dick-like things I've ever seen on a book cover. Also some weirdo pregnant alien guys and girls. I kinda want to read this book in a very public place with lots of women around.
THE PEEPING TOM PATROL - I'm not exactly sure what kind of guy I would be okay with peeping on me having sex, but I know it aint this guy. And as far as I can tell by the cover, this police hat is about two feet wide. If I saw this guy looking in the window, it would probably scare the bejabbers out of me!
THE RETURN OF THE KING - This is my favorite cover of all! Somehow I've never seen this! Look at these epic fucking dragons! This is about 1,000 better than the terrible one based on the movie. This just in--YOU ARE NOT READING THE FUCKING MOVIE. It irritates the fuck out of me whenthey put the movie cover on the book, as if that was somehow the author's vision. Now this cover, I'm pretty sure that's what was in J.R.R. Tolkien's head when he wrote this.
Welp, that's all! If you get a chance, go to Powell's Bookstore in Portland, that shit's for real, homie!